The Red Queen

Time is counting down quickly. 3-5-10. Skylar and I have been waiting for this day for over a year now. We are so very excited to FINALLY be able to see Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. I honestly feel that ONLY Tim Burton can give such a classic, favorite book of mine since childhood, favorite book of Skylar because of me, the glory, ambiance, and twisted visions that it deserves. I have HIGH expectations for this movie, as well as my daughter. I am sure that it will be my favorite movie released this year. There is just something about Alice in Wonderland that makes me want to live in that fantasy if only for a moment while becoming a character portrayed in the book. Every time I read it, I choose a different character to be, and Skylar must really be my child, because she does the same thing. Still, I think my favorite character is the Cheshire Cat.


Skylar's birthday is in May, but she always plans early as I am a parent who goes all out for her birthdays, and her birthdays are similar to Christmas. I always give her two birthdays. One in May, and one in June, always a swimming party. This year, Skylar has decided that her theme would be Alice In Wonderland. We decided that we would all dress as a character from the book/movie, and request the guests do the same if they feel so inclined. So, it is the end of February, and I am already planning the perfect birthday. 


Originally, Sky wanted to dress up as Alice. We decided to get little Dixie cups with "Drink me" for everyone to have their beverages in, and tiny little cakes (maybe cupcakes if I cant get anything smaller) that read, "Eat me". We are going to have little bitty tables set up for everyone to eat on. I also want to have a mock "trial", as well as the dance of animals found in the book. Still, I am waiting on the movie for even more ideas. Of course my favorite line will have to be somewhere visably seen by everyone, "Why is a raven like a writing desk". So far, these are the plans for the party, but everything is subject to change as new ideas roll along. 


The first new idea was that Skylar decided that instead of being Alice, since she isnt a big daydreamer or reader.....she should be the red queen. So, we went to the mall and came up with a red queen outfit. Actually, we just came across it as I noticed Sky outgrew ALL her clothes and didn't even have a pair of jeans to fit. So, off to the mall we went to buy clothes. She got her first two pairs of Abercrombie jeans, size 2....I bought them a little big. She really wears a 0. After shopping more, we just FOUND the red queen outfit, and bought it since there was only one shirt and skirt left. We also got her ears pierced on out little trip. My baby girl is getting to be a big girl. Im thrilled, but I miss my baby so much. 


Now, Introducing THE RED QUEEN

Confirmed: Strep Throat

It has been a hellish weekend. I havent really slept at all. I have just been too worried about Sky to sleep. We went to the doctor this morning, and it was confirmed that she has strep throat. At first, I thought it was the same cold that Tasha and I had, but I was wrong. 


Saturday was the scariest day. Saturday, She was running a fever of 102.7, and I could NOT get the fever down at all. I was giving her luke warm baths, alternating Motrin and Tylenol as instructed by the doctor, and basically anything I could think of. Nothing worked. Her fever remained super high. Her fever was so high that she was throwing up. I seriously thought about taking her to the emergency room on several occasions, but I toughed it through, and we saw the doctor this morning. 


Sunday, her fever practically disappeared, but she still complained of a sore throat, so off to the doctor we went. The strep culture came back positive almost immediately. 


I talked to the doctor about how to get her fever down for future reference and learned that I wasnt able to get it down because she now requires an adult dose of Motrin. Children's Motrin is a thing of the past now. My little girl is growing up so fast. I feel bad that she ran such a high fever simply because I wasnt giving her enough medicine, but I was following the instructions on the bottle. I keep thinking that if I had gotten enough medicine in her she may not have been in such pain, and I feel like a horrible mother. At least, now I know. 


After the doctor, we stopped to get her medicine from the pharmacy. Per tradition in our house, Sky always gets a sick toy. She picked up a webkin and a wii points card. We got the old Nintendo games like Zelda, Super Mario Brothers, and Adventure Island. She has been playing those thankful that we have better graphics today, and realizing how old her Momma is. lol


I think she is feeling better after that dose of medicine. Still, she has to stay home from school tomorrow also, but Wednesday she should feel all better again. I hate it when my baby is sick.


Still, even though I hate it when she is sick, and I feel so helpless. I love the mommy/daughter moments of being able to bathe her and wash her hair, and lay with her in my arms watching movies. When she is sick, all she wants is mommy time, and I love being able to give her that. 

Sick and Horror

SICK. That is the essence of this household for the last week. I had a bad cold, and now Skylar is sick. She  started running a fever last night that was high enough for me to stay up all night worrying, and feeding her Motrin. She complained that her throat was hurting really bad, and was completely sure she had strep throat. I knew I felt the same way so Im sitting with her until it passes. I went to McDonald's and got her lunch. Now, we are sitting in front of the TV watching Jaws together. Before Jaws, we watched Jurrasic Park. Sky loved Jurrassic Park since the main character was a paleontologist, which is what she wants to be when she grows up (or archeologist).

I remember getting so mad at her father for holding her when she was an infant while watching Puppet Master., Hellraiser, etc. I was planning on being protective of my first and only child. I was going to shield her from the TV and all its flawed humanity. Then, I remembered that as a kid I was shielded, and I bucked against the system, so maybe shielding wasn't the proper way to raise a child. Maybe I should try something different.

I did. I stopped bitching about the horror movies, and I let her watch them. She is a fan and literally has been since birth. Ill never forget her 5th Christmas when she told me, "Momma, I dont care what Santa brings me for Christmas, but I REALLLLLY want that Chucky doll". That Chucky doll is still standing in her room 5 years later. Its one of the only toys that has made its stay in her room as she has gotten older. She even dressed up as Chucky for Halloween, and I did a GREAT job if I say so myself. 

Chucky or Child's Play  has always been her favorite movie. She also loves Coraline, Nightmare Before Christmas, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Freddy or Nightmare on Elm Street. I let her watch Halloween II with me a couple a of night ago. 

Sometimes she gets scared. "The Strangers" scared the beejesus out of her. She got over it quickly though when I would knock on the wall and torture her while asking, "Is Tamara home?" I had too. The kid wouldn't answer the front door after watching that movie. Now, it has become one of her favorites, and when you ask, "Is Tamara Home?" She gets stares at you sarcastically because she KNOWS its fake. 

As any good parent would, I worried that my child wouldn't feel empathy toward other humans if I let her watch horror. I was raising her differently than anyone I had ever met. I was giving her freedom in a world where most parents shield their children. I, more or less, let her make her own rules as long as those rules were acceptable in my eyes also. We created the rules together. 

I have done a lot of things differently in my parenting, but I wouldn't change a single detail of anything I've done. I have a kid who is popular in school, wanted by everyone, great grades, an artist, a budding musician, loves horror, loves rock music, but is still human enough to feel great empathy and sadness when needed, and tries to help everybody she meets. She has heard curse words her whole life, but has never used one. Well, except in kindergarten when she told the teacher she thought her whole name was M. Skylar Princess Punkass Angelbaby.

Still, when I look back...I dont think it was my parenting as much as I just got lucky. I got real lucky. 

My child is brighter than all the stars that litter the sky.

I'll be the greatest fan in her life. 

Night Shift

Today I am feeling better. However, Skylar is sick. She is currently laying in her loft bed watching Disney channel. Tasha brought this cold home. She was sick first, and now all of us have had it. I have a love/hate relationship with Tasha working night shift. She loves night shift. I love it because she is happier, but I hate it because for six weeks it feels like I don't get to go to sleep beside my wife. 

Its nice because I get to do things like bring my wife breakfast in bed, which I did tonight. I can get all our errands and phone calls out of the way. I can do the house cleaned. I have personal time to sit and write. I like these things. I don't even mind the nights she works because I get to watch whatever movie I want those night without her interjecting. 

but.....

I am one of those people who absolutely hates sleeping alone. Honestly, there have been very few nights in my life where I have slept alone throughout the night. I cant go to sleep alone. Maybe this is because I slept with my mom as a kid. Maybe its because they rocked me to sleep. I don't know. I just hate it. Tasha knows this, and she tries to appease me by sitting in the armchair in the bedroom watching TV as I sleep or watching TV in the living room as I sleep on the couch, then waking me when she goes to bed so I can follow. That is true love right there! 

Still, when she is on night shift, I get insomnia worse than usual. I start staying up later and later because the middle of night is the only time I get to see her. 2pm has become 8am in my world. I have started going to bed when I normally wake up. I have no idea how much longer I have until day shift, but I know it is sometime next month. I am eagerly awaiting sleep. Good sleep. 

A sniffle here, A sniffle there

Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat that rivaled the pain of strep, but I knew it wasn't strep since I take an antibiotic everyday. Still, all day yesterday I laid around in sheer pain with a sore throat, a head that just felt weird and light, and a nose that couldn't do anything except sniffle. When I talk on the phone, people are asking why I am crying because my poor nose has to sniffle every few seconds. I didn't eat yesterday until supper time, which is right before time for American Idol. So, I hopped in the car for comfort food.

Its funny how some childhood things never disappear. McDonald's is one of those for me. Every time I am sick, I must have McDonald's french fries. My mother used to always get me fries when I was sick, and now....I honestly believe its the only thing I can eat when I am sick. Chicken soup is overrated. So, I left to get some fries and stopped at Target on the way to get some cold medicine. 

Skylar and I grabbed cold medicine, a pretty green sundress, a pretty yellow sundress, pajamas, and markers from Target. Skylar was wearing her "Nightmare Before Christmas" hoodie, which is her favorite and getting too small. As we were checking out, the cashier told Skylar that he loved her hoodie, and began asking if she had seen "Sweeny Todd" and/or is excited for "Alice In Wonderland". They began contemplating whether Alice would be better than Nightmare. She proudly told him that her birthday theme this year would be Alice In Wonderland and she was going to the midnight show, if they had one, dressed as Alice while I dressed as The Mad Hatter. 

We left and got to the car, and Skylar said "Mom, that guy was soooo cool. Most of the cashiers just say "I'm sooo ready to leave...blah, blah, blah". And, she's right. Then, off to McDonald's we went.

Skylar, my ten year old, refused McDonald's because we decided to celebrate Lent this year, even though we aren't Catholic, and all she wanted was ice cream which is what she gave up for Lent. I gave up coffee.

Afterwards, we came home and caught the last bit of American Idol. Crystal is my favorite so far, but I LOVED seeing the guy do the acoustic "Straight Up". That was truly an amazing performance.

Fearless Love?

Melissa Etheridge released a new song recently called 'Fearless Love'. I have to admit. It is really, really good. I think as human we all have a different interpretation of the words "fearless love". What is a fearless love? How do we find a fearless love? When a new song is written, sometimes it seeps like my bloodstream like a bad virus taking over my entire body, telling me when to breathe, when to eat, and when to sleep. Sometimes, the song becomes me until I figure out WHY it is connecting with me. This song connected to me in a big way. It made me think. I havent stopped thinking about it, so I figured Id blog about it.

To me, the song is speaking of what Melissa's idea of a fearless love is. Lots of people think the lyrics are stupid, and they should. They arent in Melissa's life and they have no idea what she means by wanting a fearless love. We have to deduce that she wants HER idea of a fearless love. In turn, this song is affecting ME as any good song does, and what Melissa means doesnt make a difference to me because she wrote the song, loved the song, and found in that song what a fearless love is and the knowledge that she wants it. As far as getting into the head of a musician....thats all the public SHOULD get for a well written song. This way it is left up to the readers or listeners to determine WHAT A FEARLESS LOVE IS FOR THEM!

Let think about one of the most classic songs ever written by the Eagles, "Hotel California". Did anyone know the minute they heard it for the first time that the song was about drug use. It could symbolize a psychological state of being, a domestic abuse relationship, being stuck in your mothers home as a kid and waiting to get out, etc. It could be anything in which one feels TRAPPED, because that is what the song is about.

A point to prove using Melissa, "Come To My Window". She wrote that, "people use this songs at their weddings, and she wanted to ask them if they knew that the song was about longing for another person and being away from them". It was never a love song, but people perceived it otherwise. We all get different things from songs. We all interpret songs and music differently.

Thats the GLORY of song writing. Thank God. Would music really be as interesting if we had to know all there was about what another thinks, feels, believes, and wants? No. They would be boring. Good music is any music that will make you ask yourself questions and that allow you to idea with it.

Who loves "Mary Had A Little Lamb"? I mean really. As children, we loved the fantasy....sure...but all children adore fantasy more than adults. How many adults love that song? How many adults think that song relates to them? Has a sheep ever followed you to school? I live in the South, and still havent had THAT experience. I simply dont identify with the song. Therefore, although I once liked it....I find it annoying as an adult. Now, "Im A Little Teapot" is a different story. lol

My idea of fearless love is a love so intense and strong that its a fairytale come true. Fearless love involves communication that can even hurt because its honest. It has trust that not even a mother can take away. Its coming home at the end of the day and hanging out, playing Wii, having a few beers, or watching your favorite TV show or movie. Its every goodnight kiss that brings sweet dreams. Its the two of you being teammates and cheerleaders to each other. Its also catching you when you fall. its holding each other when one of you is brought to tears. Its picking each other off the ground when the ground was too slick, and you stand back up muddy and gross. Fearless love is when you love the other enough to hold their fallen muddy body against you and still be able to whisper the comforting words, "Its gonna be alright". A fearless love is a love that you share with a person that is beyond meaning. Its unconditional. All your flaws are loved as much as your beauty. A fearless love can be found in friendships, parenthood, and romantic partners.

We are all looking for a fearless love, but the majority of us have no idea what our definition of fearless love is. So, what is your idea of fearless love? Have you found it? Or, are you still searching for it?

Time

Time....

A healer

A Destroyer

....Time.

Stitches Fading Away

Stitches Fading Away

A twisted, tormented thought turns

Unraveling and coming apart

Holding me prisoner inside my own body

Scared, shaking, sacred, sadistic skin

Begging for your warmth

To ease the pain, distinguish the fire

Flood my soul with purity

Marking whole this fragile soul

Is it possible to mend my wings

Without breaking them off completely

Is it feasible to believe in promise

That one day this soul will fly free

Is it pre-determined, does fate already know

Where my last days shall be spent

My soul is soaring above the skeletons

Of the loved ones I lost

Suicide is bleeding into my heart

Cancer is corroding my core

Still they scream at me to fly over

And forget the pain

Yet, I can't hear anything but the scars screaming in agony

I walk into the graveyard

Stumbling over the stones

Like a toddler, trying to find my legs

To walk away into a new day

My life haunts me like a song

Played in a morbid, minor key

I'm not able to move right now

Just to fall upon my knees

Begging these skeletal remains

To show me guidance and light

Yet, within the deep darkness

I still get lost each and every night

Love is hard to believe in

When your loved ones have

Been taken or walked away

And I live in this truth every fucking day

Solitude is silence, but mercifully so

Silence is slavery, the all time low

One day I will understand

All the past that haunts me

I'll learn to fly above the fight

And never ever look into the night

My stitches will be removed

My bandages will fade away

Ill break away and soar

Bright as sunshine into a new day

The Uninvited Birthday Party

My husband ended up with my best friend of 18 years. Today, I went to their child's third birthday party. She still sucks a pacifer. Their daughter is the only innocent one. I actually like their daughter, and I like my child's father, my husband, my ex best friends boyfriend. HA. Still, the whole scenario was weird and uncomfortable to me. I choose not to be around my ex best friend. Our morals do not come even close to being similar. I can honestly say that I am a better person than her, and that chills me to the bone because I usually do not believe myself to be better than anyone else in the world, but as usual there is always an exception to the rule.

The whole experience for me was uncomfortable because I was among the biggest backstabbers I have ever known. I hate people who can be nice to your face, but talk so much shit behind your back when they think you aren't listening. Thats what this group was. Still, there is a part of me that was really happy to see one person there whose name will remain anonymous. It was nice that when I walked in, he was genuinely happy to see me. He made sure I knew it too by giving me a sincere hug. His wife on the other hand attempted to muster all the sincerity she could for her hug....but it still didn't feel sincere. I mean, if you wanted to care enough to hug me when you see me, then, why aren't we friends, why didn't we remain friends throughout this ordeal.

I was asked if I still sang. Why bother asking me that? Music is my life, and everyone I know knows that little fact. So, I answered.....Of course, for money. Then, goes on to tell the room how great of a voice I have. The room knew this already. I was the leper in this room. Why being up my talent that everyone is aware of? I hope my talents were not being made fun of. I choose to believe the sincerity in her voice was real in that regard, but why even bother talking to me when you are stuck up the ass of my worst enemy.

Now, onto the best friend. I can't believe I was ever friends with her. I feel such regret that I once called someone like her my best friend. I regret every thing about our friendship, and I am so happy that it has ended for good. There is NO WAY I will ever be close to her again. Today just confirmed that our morals and values are too different to be able to be friends. I actually HAVE morals and values. She's just MEAN. Thats the best I can explain it. Shes mean to everyone, including her own sister who has gained a little weight and is sensitive about it. I wonder if she will one day call her own daughter a fat ass since it is so commonplace to call her sister that. I wouldn't put it past her. Funny thing is, no one seems to mind how mean she is. I don't think anyone sees it because she hands you the insult with this sugary, shit eating grin.

My life is good. My life is better without my ex best friends negative energy in it. It may have taken her breaking a condom and getting pregnant to keep my husband.....it worked....but she'll never be anyone worthy. Our values will never match. Our morals will never come close to being similar. I am so much better off without her in my life, and I have sooooo glad that she is GONE.

Good Riddance best friend. You were the worst best friend I ever had. I am so much happier now without your negativity in my life.

I am here.

With my handwritten journal, it is easy to know when that journal needs to be sealed and put to rest as all the pages become stained with ink. However, with a blog online, it isn't always as easy to know when the blog needs to be put to rest, so that fresh energy in a new blog can be utilized as a blog can go on forever. Still, my old blog has been sealed and closed for eternity, and I am here.

I am a person who needs a place to write in every arena I can find to perform in. This means I am constantly composing music in my head until I find my keyboard, writing poetry on napkins while eating supper only to stuff the napkin in my pocket until I get home, an on-going novel in process on the computer, short stories throughout my leather bound journal, and of course, a blog for those quick thoughts, or the times that you just don't feel like digging the leather bound journal out of its safe bag. This is why I am here.

Writing, to me, is best described as pure freedom in a form similar to that of a constant morphine drip. Writing is the place I run to show all my emotions so that they stay hidden as well as possible to the outside world. Writing, is the best way for me to lift the veil that covers my eyes, the mask that I wear for the world to see. All my fears, tribulations, pain, happiness, and pride can be found inside the pages I write as well as the countless, limitless place a blog offers. So, here I am.

I'm not leaving for quite a while. Pull up a chair, sit, and grab a cup of tea because this is the only place you will learn any of the secrets I hold inside me. I may make you want to run. I may make you want to scream. I may make you smile. I may just be your poster child.

I am here.