Im back. No worries, I know you had to miss me. Hell, I missed me. I do that from time to time. I begin to miss myself. I feel like there isnt enough time in this world to accommodate the time I need for me. So sometimes, I wander off to the dark recesses of my mind, and I pull out a digital or manual writing equipment, and my mind sets on fire and anticipation of wanting to release the words, the demons, the scars that are held so completely captured there. So, Im back. Maybe even with a vengeance. 

Dear Cleveland

Dear Cleveland,


I miss you. I miss your rancid, trashy streets. I miss the buzz the traffic that seems to be nonstop at all hours of the night. I miss the crimes that were portrayed on the news that shocked this Southern naive child who knew nothing about the big city. I miss the people who would stare at you strangely if you spoke to them in the grocery line. I miss the escape that Cleveland was to me in most my trying time. I miss the best friend I met there who I know will always be there through thick and thin.


Still, I sit here and remember why I ran to you, why I came to you as an escape, why it was so necessary for me to be there. I remember that the South became a place of disgust after my sister's suicide, and I needed a safe place to hide, and Cleveland you hid me well, and I will always be grateful.


However, what if the same subject lingers in the air, and there is no escape for me this time. What if it isn't just words and he decides to take his life. How could I manage to live without a brother that I consider my first born, and what can i do to stop these thoughts he is having?


I failed with Melissa. She is gone, dead, rotting in a grave, and just a memory that I hold onto with every piece of my heart. I can't loose someone else the same way, yet I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am strong enough to save him or if he even wants to be saved.


For the first time in a very long time, I am so frightened that my bones shake with terror while I continue to wear the mask that everything is okay when honestly Im terrified that a call will come like it did with Melissa telling me that such a beautiful life has ended.


Melissa was my sister, and her suicide hurt. It still hurts. This is my brother, who I practically raised. he called me Momma before he did his own Momma. This would be like loosing a child. I can't psychology deal with such a tragedy again in my life. The stitches haven't been removed from the last one, and that was 15 years ago. 


I don't know what to do, but I do know this. I will do everything that any parent would do. I am moving my brother from my father's house, and I am bringing him to live with me so that I can watch him, and hopefully i can help him. Meanwhile, I will continue to wish that all this was just some terrible fucked up nightmare that never happened.........the same way I did with my sister.


Why is suicide so prevalent in my life? Was it meant to be me, like the Final destination movies? Should it have been me instead of such a bright young girl with a future ahead of her who would have never had to worry about telling her parents she was gay, or finding a way to right her fucked up childhood? I'll never know those answers because my days of contemplating suicide are over....but they aren't for someone I love as much as I love myself, my brother, my baby, the one I potty trained, taught to read, taught all the animals too, taught to answer the phone "Whoop There It Is". What is life without him except misery? 


There is no escape. Im here. Im staying here, and I am going to fight this long hard battle by his side. I hear his screams. I hear his misery. I just hope I cant quiet the voices that are tormenting him. he doesn't have to say anything, I know what he is thinking. I am here, and this time Im not running away. 

Jealous Guy

Sometimes, it does the soul good to just analyze a song that for some reason will not escape your mind, leave your thoughts, or disappear from your dreams. I have just recently (last year) became a fan of The Beatles, yes I understand how sad and unfortunate this is. Regardless, I have fallen in love. I auditioned for American Idol when I was on vacation in New Orleans, LA. I did it as a dare on the way home from drinking. I could barely walk when I went in and sang for people I didn't know. They asked me to come back. I did. I went through a few auditions...mind you drunk for every one of them as I was at Southern Decadence (Gay Madri Gras). I think the ONLY sober moment was when i went to see Trent Reznor's house in the Garden District. I remember there being mail in his mailbox that I KNEW was the new album, and I really wanted to steal it....but my morals are much better than that, so I left it, and waited patiently for the new album as I should have....which was 'With Teeth". However, Im digressing. I ended up getting the Golden Ticket. I never went. I havent even watched American Idol since the first season, but this season I got a wild hair up my ass, and I decided to watch, and I have watched from the first show.

Until two weeks ago, I wanted Crystal Bowersox to win. I still do, I think, unless she can get a better record deal without winning like Adam Lambert. Still, although Crystal is and remains my favorite contestant.....Casey James caught me in a big way when it was Beatles week. Casey sang a John Lennon song I have never heard before called "Jealous Guy". The emotions in that song brought me to tears, which is somewhat difficult to do. I have been in love with the song since then, and I listen to it daily. Ironically, the lyrics fit into my life one week later exactly. I have a performance coming up...and I am thinking I am going to do this song.

Jealous Guy
John Lennon

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eyes
Thought that you was trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy, watch out
I'm just a jealous guy, look out babe
I'm just a jealous guy



This song has stolen my heart.

Pictures of Trent Reznor's House in New Orleans, LA. However, he no longer lives here.

RIP Peter Steele

There is so much to say. I have been going through some of the toughest trials and tribulations one can possibly endure. I want to talk about it. i want to write about it, but I can't. It remains my secret, known only to my closest friends. That is all I want to say about this situation right now, but know that life is not easy at the moment. Im confused. Im scared. And, most of all Im insecure, and none of these things are personality traits of who I am as a person. I'm actually the complete opposite of all those, so its tough to be in unfamiliar territory scared to death.

In 1997, I had sex with a woman for the first time. She came to my house, and put on a song that I had never heard before. The song was "Love ya to Death" by Type O Negative. She danced in a complete white outfit in the middle of my living room to that song. I will never forget the imagery that such a single dance can conjure up inside my head whenever I hear that song. When I did have sex with a female for the first time, the album "Bloody Kisses" was Type O Negative was playing the whole time.

My first lap dance ever was given while the song "Christian Woman" by Type O Negative played.

A painting that I cherish that my child's father painted hangs in her bedroom, and every time I look at it, I remember that the albums "October Rust" and "Bloody Kisses" by Type O Negative were the only albums played while it was being painted.

All of these events are special because they occurred when I hopped onto a "Runaway Train" to Cleveland, Ohio trying to escape my sister's suicide. I found Type O Negative while living in Cleveland, and it healed me a little on the inside. Not a day went by when I didn't play their album. I even got to see them at Ozzfest in 1998 (I think). And, I'm so glad that I can say that as now many people will never be able to say that.

Type O Negative's lead singer died today at age 48 from heart issues. To hear that Peter Steele has died has devastated me because I feel like a part of me died too. This band was there for me. This band approved of my sexuality. I got all my experience while listening to them. I like to say I became gay listening to Type O Negative. I wonder if my homosexuality will die along with him. I wonder if it is a sign.

There's a lot more to say....just I can't say it right now. So, Im just going to give my most heartfelt goodbye to Peter Steele, and thank him for all the time we spent together even if it was just through music. RIP.

Yes, I know that I am cryptic.

I have fallen for you, Hugo Miles

Love is not what I am looking for right now. In fact, Im better off without it. Love has hurt me to the deepest parts of my core, and Im terrified to ever feel that pain again. I'm not a girl that the words "I love you" come easy for me to say, and it takes years before they escape my lips. Still, something happened, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still trying to find the moment that I realized I was or had fallen for you.

Love is the scariest word in the English language to me. Yet, here you are, and I find myself falling for you in a hard, longing way. I cant wait to see you. I smile when I talk to you. Your kisses on my lips feel light a slight piece of heaven that have rested upon my lips for a few seconds that somehow got lost in time. I look forward to hearing your voice, seeing you smile, making you breakfast, and feeling the way you hold me while hoping that I convey the same feeling when I hold you.

I can actually think of a forever with you, because you allow me to be me, and you aren't in this to take my freedom away, and vice versa. I think there is this unspoken understanding between us that our freedom is a non-negotiable. I like it that way because we need to be who we are. Everyone has to be free and love themselves in order for the heart to love another person.

There are many views on what people think love is, and none of them have fit into my standards until I met you. It still scares me. I'm not used to feeling this way, and I still am not ready to say I love you. But, I need you. I want you. I care about you more than I thought I could or would. I felt safe inside my world. Then you walked in, and my world changed in so many different ways.

I think about you before I sleep, when I wake, and I hope that you are somewhere safe. Before I sleep, I wish that you were holding me. When I wake, I roll over to see that you aren't there, and may never be there. Reality strikes and I realize that I could actually get hurt. I am vulnerable, fragile because of the past I have endured and lived to tell the tale about.

I've learned not to trust people because in the end it was better to have not danced than to danced and felt the love that was lost somewhere in between. Yet, I'm still foolish enough to believe in forever, and wish for someone who is like me enough to not only understand what I am saying, but to feel the same way, and not try to take away my freedom.

Still, out of the blue, I realized I have fallen for you, but love is not something I was looking for right now.  In fact, I was happy without it. Now, Im not so sure. Now, Im twisted inside my mind. Im confused to the point of how I feel. Im nervous that I may love you, and just be too damn stubborn to realize it. Ultimately, I wonder what you feel, what you think, and if the feeling is mutual.

When you are holding me, I see the look in your eye. I realize that I too look at you the same way. I can feel the strength in the way you hold me, and I hope that you too realize how much you mean to me. I wish that I could write I love you, but I cant. Not yet.

The Fabulous Unbirthday Party

We had Skylar's birthday party on March 27, 2010 this year even though her actual birthday is May 18. We did it early because my best friend was in town, and we figured it would be a great time for the kids. There is NOTHING already prepared for Alice In Wonderland. The only Alice related thing I could find were coloring books, which I gave away to each guests. We had a mad tea party, hid a key, bunny, and cheshire cat to find for prizes, had everyone call each other by their name spelled backwards, grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, had them choose which teacup the dormouse was under, and lots of other great stuff. I wanted to play human chess, but we didn't get around to it. It was the best party ever, in my opinion.

After the party, we had Skylar, Madison, Brie, Jewell, Alexis, and Rane spend the night. They stayed two nights. However, Brie stayed three nights. On the third night, my friends Megan and Kasey, let me babysit their 8 month old for the night. I had so much fun. I have wanted a baby for a long time, and trying since October with no luck, but spending time with Emma just made the urge that much stronger.

Without further ado, some birthday pictures.....

Skylar and Alexis (The Red Queen and White Rabbit)

Searching for a Dormouse

The Mad Tea Party

A rare photo of Skylar's father

Sisterhood

I do not like that you cannot write a post on blogger and keep it private like you can in livejournal.....but that isn't what I am here to write about.

I had the greatest weekend that I can remember having in a VERY long time. My best friend, Angie, came down from Cleveland, OH with her two little girls, Jewell (12) and Alexis (8). I had so much fun. Sometimes, it takes looking at yourself inside another person to truly see yourself. Thats how Angie and I are. We are extremely similar in all the BIG ways of life, and how we choose to live our lives. We raise our children similarly. We know that all we have is ourselves to keep our heads above water. We know how to let go from time to time, and just do whatever it is that our heart tells us to do. We know the things that make us happy, and we are not willing to compromise those things for anything or anyone in the world, except our children. I see us both as strong willed, minded women who may die alone someday, but they will never have to say I settled. Even our conscience is similar, because we spend some time questioning and weighing the pros and cons of settling for the sake of our children while trying to find our happiness. 


We both have had that one true love that no one else in the world will ever compare to. However, we have both also been "that girl" that hurt someone who truly loved us because we were searching for "that one". Our lives stay interesting to say the least. We have commonality. We are both as scared as love as we are as anxious to find our happily ever after. We are the type of people that "I love you" scares us. We've simply left people behind, just as they have left us behind, and most of the time....we dont look back either.


We think differently than most people. There arent many people in this world who are like us. Its hard to find someone you can relate to in this life, and someone who knows what you are thinking, what it feels like, or what the fuck to do in the situation we are in to always come out on top. Its more of a sisterhood. A sisterhood of being moms, different, free, chaotic, strong, sarcastic female with a backbone. 


She pulled out of the driveway this morning...and I miss her already.


Tasha hates having company. She hates being around a bunch of kids. Sometimes, I wonder how the two of us can be so different, and still love each other. Shes just happy not to have anymore kids in the house. Shes ready for a little peace and quiet, while I miss the loudness already. This bothers me...but, hey, thats who she is, and I respect that. I just never want to be that person.


This weekend was just great fun. We had Skylar's birthday party, which was a success and a LOT of fun. She had a few kids spend the night. We had kids everywhere all weekend, so I can understand Tasha wanting a little peace. I have to admit, maybe I do too....for a day. I like the calm storm I live in. I like that no one is here as I sit down to write otherwise, Id be interrupted every five minutes. I like being alone. Its comfortable. Still, I miss Angie, my mirror. 

My best friend.....standing against my mural of Brandon Lee from "The Crow"

V.C. Andrews

In sixth grade, I read a book behind my mother's back. It was 'The Prince of  Tides" by Pat Conroy and has  been my favorite book since I finished it. I read it everyday after school. My mother had rented it from the library, and as soon as I came home from school, I picked it up and read until I heard her car, then I slammed it back down on the stove, and pretended to be innocent. I remember the details of this book as if it were yesterday because it REALLY affected me in a way that no other book, except maybe "South Of Broad" also by Pat Conroy, ever has. I felt like this book was reading my life. I still feel that. It is also the only book that I can or have read more than once. I keep copies of this book to pass out among people I met who have never read such a gem. I confessed a few years ago to my mother as we were waiting in line to meet Pat Conroy for the first time. Whenever I need a quick pick me up or I just want to view the language that Conroy uses that i find to be melodic and lyrical, I simply read a few pages of 'The Prince of Tides". It will forever be in my heart.

There are very few books that I have read in life that have had such a profound effect on me, or rather there have been many and it isnt until years later that I realize it. Today, has been one of those days. I have read five books today. Yes, today I read 5 books. You read that correctly. They were all smaller books. Im really not THAT good. Still, as I was sitting in the bathtub with my book, I remembered the first book I ever read by this author. V.C. Andrews

"Flowers in the Attic". Need I say more? I was reading at age 4, and I know I read it before 'The Prince of Tides" so I was somewhere between the ages of 4 and 11 when I fell in love with 'Flowers in the Attic". I found it at the library. I remember being so throughly shocked that a mother could do something so horribly to her children such as lock them in an attic and feed them poison. Still, since I didn't have an attic.....I wanted to live in one....at least for a little while. I have had a fascination with attics since I read that book. (I have an unhealthy obsession with books. I love them too much to put them down, and I like to pretend to live inside them while I read them)

I always identified myself with Carrie in "Flowers in the Attic". Most likely, it was because she was the character closest to my age as I look back. I've always considered V.C. Andrews to be the first horror writer I have ever read. She made me see the world differently as a child. She allowed me to see the evil in the world when I was a sheltered, protected child. I ended up reading every book in that series, and have been looking for that series for a few months now.

I read so quickly that I HATE buying books. It feels like a waste of money to me. Still, the library is no good because I forget to take them back on time. I either read them right away, then set them off to the side to collect dust, or I let them sit a while until I am in the mood to read it. Buying a book seems like a waste of money because I pay 7-30 bucks for a hour, maybe 2 hour, read. So, I have adopted yard sales and Goodwill as my major book buying source, and when I am finished I take them to a used book store for credit towards another book.

So, while looking for the series including "Flowers in the Attic", I found the entire V.C. Andrews collection EXCEPT the ones I was looking for. Regardless, I couldnt resist, and I bought them all. So, today I have read: 'Into the Garden', 'Butterfly', 'Crystal', 'Brooke', 'Raven' and Im starting 'Runaways'. Each tale tells of girls that led miserable lives. 'Into the Garden' even had a scene where a group of friends actually buried one of the girls' mother so that she wouldnt have to enter the "system".

I remember thinking as a child that I wanted to one day write as honestly as V.C. Andrews. It is one of the only times I can remember ever thinking about wanting to write instead of be a musician. I still love the honesty in her writing. Its sad that she has died. How does it work that your family tells the story of the characters you have made after death anyway? I find that odd.......

Still, she explains the complexities of being a troubled teenage girl quite well. I love that. Once, I was a troubled teenage girl. I think I would have remembered everything.....if things hadn't happened the way they did so that I had to make myself forget in order to survive. But, I forgot. When I read V.C. Andrews, I am reminded of that troubled teenager that I once was, and sometimes.....I miss how innocent she was even though she didn't think of herself as being innocence. Then, I wonder if I will one day forget my 30's too, and I become afraid that I might.

Still, there are triggers to my childhood, and V.C. Andrews just happens to be one of those. I have even thought that maybe I am a little foolish for reading something that I would have read as a child. Then, I remembered how much I loved Judy Blume and promised myself to find one of her books to reread.

Regardless, I am having a grand time reading V.C. Andrews. In due time, I will have read the entire collection just because I can.


What book have you read that affected you the most? Why? What book do you, as a human being, relate to the most?

4 days in 11 days.

My best friend will arrive in 11 days. She is coming from Cleveland, Ohio to pick up all of Skylar's old clothes. Overnight, Skylar outgrew all her clothes. She went from a size 12 to a size 1 in Juniors. It kills me inside a little bit that I can no longer go into the children's section to buy clothing. I can no longer know a specific size and just pick up cute clothes. She has to try everything on now. 


Regardless, it is getting me a visit from my best friend. I was going to mail them up, but there is simply too many clothes for that, and we haven't seen each other in three years. Angie is bringing her 2 little girls down too. Skylar will have such a good time having someone to play with. She is also bringing her new puppy, Daisy. 


I am so excited. Angie LOVES waterfalls, so when she comes down....Im going to take her on a waterfall tour and show her all of our waterfalls. It will give Skylar and Jewell (her oldest who is Sky's age) some time together to collect rocks, bugs, and whatever else they find. Her youngest Alexis...is more of a prissy girl so I think she may be bored....but we will see.


Im so excited. Usually, we leave the kids home when we get together so that when we are together, we can do whatever we want without taking the kids into consideration, meaning....we like to hit the bars. This time will be different. Im really looking forward to it. Our kids love each other as much as we love each other. All three of them are counting the days down, just like we are. Its surreal to see our kids so excited. We honestly didnt think about how much the three of them love each other. 


We were greedy with our time together. We get together, and drop off the kids with either her mom when I go up or my mom when she comes down. Granted, Saturday night, all three girls are staying with my mom so we can have a "grown-up" night out. However, the majority of the time will be the two of us with the three girls.


It is going to be such a fun time, and Im so excited to see my best friend. These times are precious. It stinks having a best friend 500 miles away and only having the comfort of the phone in our hands when we talk. Now, we are getting 4 days of face to face time. Eleven days seems forever away.

NIN

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE. I SHOT THIS. FRONT ROW.