Time

Time....

A healer

A Destroyer

....Time.

Stitches Fading Away

Stitches Fading Away

A twisted, tormented thought turns

Unraveling and coming apart

Holding me prisoner inside my own body

Scared, shaking, sacred, sadistic skin

Begging for your warmth

To ease the pain, distinguish the fire

Flood my soul with purity

Marking whole this fragile soul

Is it possible to mend my wings

Without breaking them off completely

Is it feasible to believe in promise

That one day this soul will fly free

Is it pre-determined, does fate already know

Where my last days shall be spent

My soul is soaring above the skeletons

Of the loved ones I lost

Suicide is bleeding into my heart

Cancer is corroding my core

Still they scream at me to fly over

And forget the pain

Yet, I can't hear anything but the scars screaming in agony

I walk into the graveyard

Stumbling over the stones

Like a toddler, trying to find my legs

To walk away into a new day

My life haunts me like a song

Played in a morbid, minor key

I'm not able to move right now

Just to fall upon my knees

Begging these skeletal remains

To show me guidance and light

Yet, within the deep darkness

I still get lost each and every night

Love is hard to believe in

When your loved ones have

Been taken or walked away

And I live in this truth every fucking day

Solitude is silence, but mercifully so

Silence is slavery, the all time low

One day I will understand

All the past that haunts me

I'll learn to fly above the fight

And never ever look into the night

My stitches will be removed

My bandages will fade away

Ill break away and soar

Bright as sunshine into a new day

The Uninvited Birthday Party

My husband ended up with my best friend of 18 years. Today, I went to their child's third birthday party. She still sucks a pacifer. Their daughter is the only innocent one. I actually like their daughter, and I like my child's father, my husband, my ex best friends boyfriend. HA. Still, the whole scenario was weird and uncomfortable to me. I choose not to be around my ex best friend. Our morals do not come even close to being similar. I can honestly say that I am a better person than her, and that chills me to the bone because I usually do not believe myself to be better than anyone else in the world, but as usual there is always an exception to the rule.

The whole experience for me was uncomfortable because I was among the biggest backstabbers I have ever known. I hate people who can be nice to your face, but talk so much shit behind your back when they think you aren't listening. Thats what this group was. Still, there is a part of me that was really happy to see one person there whose name will remain anonymous. It was nice that when I walked in, he was genuinely happy to see me. He made sure I knew it too by giving me a sincere hug. His wife on the other hand attempted to muster all the sincerity she could for her hug....but it still didn't feel sincere. I mean, if you wanted to care enough to hug me when you see me, then, why aren't we friends, why didn't we remain friends throughout this ordeal.

I was asked if I still sang. Why bother asking me that? Music is my life, and everyone I know knows that little fact. So, I answered.....Of course, for money. Then, goes on to tell the room how great of a voice I have. The room knew this already. I was the leper in this room. Why being up my talent that everyone is aware of? I hope my talents were not being made fun of. I choose to believe the sincerity in her voice was real in that regard, but why even bother talking to me when you are stuck up the ass of my worst enemy.

Now, onto the best friend. I can't believe I was ever friends with her. I feel such regret that I once called someone like her my best friend. I regret every thing about our friendship, and I am so happy that it has ended for good. There is NO WAY I will ever be close to her again. Today just confirmed that our morals and values are too different to be able to be friends. I actually HAVE morals and values. She's just MEAN. Thats the best I can explain it. Shes mean to everyone, including her own sister who has gained a little weight and is sensitive about it. I wonder if she will one day call her own daughter a fat ass since it is so commonplace to call her sister that. I wouldn't put it past her. Funny thing is, no one seems to mind how mean she is. I don't think anyone sees it because she hands you the insult with this sugary, shit eating grin.

My life is good. My life is better without my ex best friends negative energy in it. It may have taken her breaking a condom and getting pregnant to keep my husband.....it worked....but she'll never be anyone worthy. Our values will never match. Our morals will never come close to being similar. I am so much better off without her in my life, and I have sooooo glad that she is GONE.

Good Riddance best friend. You were the worst best friend I ever had. I am so much happier now without your negativity in my life.

I am here.

With my handwritten journal, it is easy to know when that journal needs to be sealed and put to rest as all the pages become stained with ink. However, with a blog online, it isn't always as easy to know when the blog needs to be put to rest, so that fresh energy in a new blog can be utilized as a blog can go on forever. Still, my old blog has been sealed and closed for eternity, and I am here.

I am a person who needs a place to write in every arena I can find to perform in. This means I am constantly composing music in my head until I find my keyboard, writing poetry on napkins while eating supper only to stuff the napkin in my pocket until I get home, an on-going novel in process on the computer, short stories throughout my leather bound journal, and of course, a blog for those quick thoughts, or the times that you just don't feel like digging the leather bound journal out of its safe bag. This is why I am here.

Writing, to me, is best described as pure freedom in a form similar to that of a constant morphine drip. Writing is the place I run to show all my emotions so that they stay hidden as well as possible to the outside world. Writing, is the best way for me to lift the veil that covers my eyes, the mask that I wear for the world to see. All my fears, tribulations, pain, happiness, and pride can be found inside the pages I write as well as the countless, limitless place a blog offers. So, here I am.

I'm not leaving for quite a while. Pull up a chair, sit, and grab a cup of tea because this is the only place you will learn any of the secrets I hold inside me. I may make you want to run. I may make you want to scream. I may make you smile. I may just be your poster child.

I am here.