Im back. No worries, I know you had to miss me. Hell, I missed me. I do that from time to time. I begin to miss myself. I feel like there isnt enough time in this world to accommodate the time I need for me. So sometimes, I wander off to the dark recesses of my mind, and I pull out a digital or manual writing equipment, and my mind sets on fire and anticipation of wanting to release the words, the demons, the scars that are held so completely captured there. So, Im back. Maybe even with a vengeance. 

Dear Cleveland

Dear Cleveland,


I miss you. I miss your rancid, trashy streets. I miss the buzz the traffic that seems to be nonstop at all hours of the night. I miss the crimes that were portrayed on the news that shocked this Southern naive child who knew nothing about the big city. I miss the people who would stare at you strangely if you spoke to them in the grocery line. I miss the escape that Cleveland was to me in most my trying time. I miss the best friend I met there who I know will always be there through thick and thin.


Still, I sit here and remember why I ran to you, why I came to you as an escape, why it was so necessary for me to be there. I remember that the South became a place of disgust after my sister's suicide, and I needed a safe place to hide, and Cleveland you hid me well, and I will always be grateful.


However, what if the same subject lingers in the air, and there is no escape for me this time. What if it isn't just words and he decides to take his life. How could I manage to live without a brother that I consider my first born, and what can i do to stop these thoughts he is having?


I failed with Melissa. She is gone, dead, rotting in a grave, and just a memory that I hold onto with every piece of my heart. I can't loose someone else the same way, yet I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am strong enough to save him or if he even wants to be saved.


For the first time in a very long time, I am so frightened that my bones shake with terror while I continue to wear the mask that everything is okay when honestly Im terrified that a call will come like it did with Melissa telling me that such a beautiful life has ended.


Melissa was my sister, and her suicide hurt. It still hurts. This is my brother, who I practically raised. he called me Momma before he did his own Momma. This would be like loosing a child. I can't psychology deal with such a tragedy again in my life. The stitches haven't been removed from the last one, and that was 15 years ago. 


I don't know what to do, but I do know this. I will do everything that any parent would do. I am moving my brother from my father's house, and I am bringing him to live with me so that I can watch him, and hopefully i can help him. Meanwhile, I will continue to wish that all this was just some terrible fucked up nightmare that never happened.........the same way I did with my sister.


Why is suicide so prevalent in my life? Was it meant to be me, like the Final destination movies? Should it have been me instead of such a bright young girl with a future ahead of her who would have never had to worry about telling her parents she was gay, or finding a way to right her fucked up childhood? I'll never know those answers because my days of contemplating suicide are over....but they aren't for someone I love as much as I love myself, my brother, my baby, the one I potty trained, taught to read, taught all the animals too, taught to answer the phone "Whoop There It Is". What is life without him except misery? 


There is no escape. Im here. Im staying here, and I am going to fight this long hard battle by his side. I hear his screams. I hear his misery. I just hope I cant quiet the voices that are tormenting him. he doesn't have to say anything, I know what he is thinking. I am here, and this time Im not running away. 

Jealous Guy

Sometimes, it does the soul good to just analyze a song that for some reason will not escape your mind, leave your thoughts, or disappear from your dreams. I have just recently (last year) became a fan of The Beatles, yes I understand how sad and unfortunate this is. Regardless, I have fallen in love. I auditioned for American Idol when I was on vacation in New Orleans, LA. I did it as a dare on the way home from drinking. I could barely walk when I went in and sang for people I didn't know. They asked me to come back. I did. I went through a few auditions...mind you drunk for every one of them as I was at Southern Decadence (Gay Madri Gras). I think the ONLY sober moment was when i went to see Trent Reznor's house in the Garden District. I remember there being mail in his mailbox that I KNEW was the new album, and I really wanted to steal it....but my morals are much better than that, so I left it, and waited patiently for the new album as I should have....which was 'With Teeth". However, Im digressing. I ended up getting the Golden Ticket. I never went. I havent even watched American Idol since the first season, but this season I got a wild hair up my ass, and I decided to watch, and I have watched from the first show.

Until two weeks ago, I wanted Crystal Bowersox to win. I still do, I think, unless she can get a better record deal without winning like Adam Lambert. Still, although Crystal is and remains my favorite contestant.....Casey James caught me in a big way when it was Beatles week. Casey sang a John Lennon song I have never heard before called "Jealous Guy". The emotions in that song brought me to tears, which is somewhat difficult to do. I have been in love with the song since then, and I listen to it daily. Ironically, the lyrics fit into my life one week later exactly. I have a performance coming up...and I am thinking I am going to do this song.

Jealous Guy
John Lennon

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eyes
Thought that you was trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy, watch out
I'm just a jealous guy, look out babe
I'm just a jealous guy



This song has stolen my heart.

Pictures of Trent Reznor's House in New Orleans, LA. However, he no longer lives here.

RIP Peter Steele

There is so much to say. I have been going through some of the toughest trials and tribulations one can possibly endure. I want to talk about it. i want to write about it, but I can't. It remains my secret, known only to my closest friends. That is all I want to say about this situation right now, but know that life is not easy at the moment. Im confused. Im scared. And, most of all Im insecure, and none of these things are personality traits of who I am as a person. I'm actually the complete opposite of all those, so its tough to be in unfamiliar territory scared to death.

In 1997, I had sex with a woman for the first time. She came to my house, and put on a song that I had never heard before. The song was "Love ya to Death" by Type O Negative. She danced in a complete white outfit in the middle of my living room to that song. I will never forget the imagery that such a single dance can conjure up inside my head whenever I hear that song. When I did have sex with a female for the first time, the album "Bloody Kisses" was Type O Negative was playing the whole time.

My first lap dance ever was given while the song "Christian Woman" by Type O Negative played.

A painting that I cherish that my child's father painted hangs in her bedroom, and every time I look at it, I remember that the albums "October Rust" and "Bloody Kisses" by Type O Negative were the only albums played while it was being painted.

All of these events are special because they occurred when I hopped onto a "Runaway Train" to Cleveland, Ohio trying to escape my sister's suicide. I found Type O Negative while living in Cleveland, and it healed me a little on the inside. Not a day went by when I didn't play their album. I even got to see them at Ozzfest in 1998 (I think). And, I'm so glad that I can say that as now many people will never be able to say that.

Type O Negative's lead singer died today at age 48 from heart issues. To hear that Peter Steele has died has devastated me because I feel like a part of me died too. This band was there for me. This band approved of my sexuality. I got all my experience while listening to them. I like to say I became gay listening to Type O Negative. I wonder if my homosexuality will die along with him. I wonder if it is a sign.

There's a lot more to say....just I can't say it right now. So, Im just going to give my most heartfelt goodbye to Peter Steele, and thank him for all the time we spent together even if it was just through music. RIP.

Yes, I know that I am cryptic.

I have fallen for you, Hugo Miles

Love is not what I am looking for right now. In fact, Im better off without it. Love has hurt me to the deepest parts of my core, and Im terrified to ever feel that pain again. I'm not a girl that the words "I love you" come easy for me to say, and it takes years before they escape my lips. Still, something happened, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still trying to find the moment that I realized I was or had fallen for you.

Love is the scariest word in the English language to me. Yet, here you are, and I find myself falling for you in a hard, longing way. I cant wait to see you. I smile when I talk to you. Your kisses on my lips feel light a slight piece of heaven that have rested upon my lips for a few seconds that somehow got lost in time. I look forward to hearing your voice, seeing you smile, making you breakfast, and feeling the way you hold me while hoping that I convey the same feeling when I hold you.

I can actually think of a forever with you, because you allow me to be me, and you aren't in this to take my freedom away, and vice versa. I think there is this unspoken understanding between us that our freedom is a non-negotiable. I like it that way because we need to be who we are. Everyone has to be free and love themselves in order for the heart to love another person.

There are many views on what people think love is, and none of them have fit into my standards until I met you. It still scares me. I'm not used to feeling this way, and I still am not ready to say I love you. But, I need you. I want you. I care about you more than I thought I could or would. I felt safe inside my world. Then you walked in, and my world changed in so many different ways.

I think about you before I sleep, when I wake, and I hope that you are somewhere safe. Before I sleep, I wish that you were holding me. When I wake, I roll over to see that you aren't there, and may never be there. Reality strikes and I realize that I could actually get hurt. I am vulnerable, fragile because of the past I have endured and lived to tell the tale about.

I've learned not to trust people because in the end it was better to have not danced than to danced and felt the love that was lost somewhere in between. Yet, I'm still foolish enough to believe in forever, and wish for someone who is like me enough to not only understand what I am saying, but to feel the same way, and not try to take away my freedom.

Still, out of the blue, I realized I have fallen for you, but love is not something I was looking for right now.  In fact, I was happy without it. Now, Im not so sure. Now, Im twisted inside my mind. Im confused to the point of how I feel. Im nervous that I may love you, and just be too damn stubborn to realize it. Ultimately, I wonder what you feel, what you think, and if the feeling is mutual.

When you are holding me, I see the look in your eye. I realize that I too look at you the same way. I can feel the strength in the way you hold me, and I hope that you too realize how much you mean to me. I wish that I could write I love you, but I cant. Not yet.

The Fabulous Unbirthday Party

We had Skylar's birthday party on March 27, 2010 this year even though her actual birthday is May 18. We did it early because my best friend was in town, and we figured it would be a great time for the kids. There is NOTHING already prepared for Alice In Wonderland. The only Alice related thing I could find were coloring books, which I gave away to each guests. We had a mad tea party, hid a key, bunny, and cheshire cat to find for prizes, had everyone call each other by their name spelled backwards, grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, had them choose which teacup the dormouse was under, and lots of other great stuff. I wanted to play human chess, but we didn't get around to it. It was the best party ever, in my opinion.

After the party, we had Skylar, Madison, Brie, Jewell, Alexis, and Rane spend the night. They stayed two nights. However, Brie stayed three nights. On the third night, my friends Megan and Kasey, let me babysit their 8 month old for the night. I had so much fun. I have wanted a baby for a long time, and trying since October with no luck, but spending time with Emma just made the urge that much stronger.

Without further ado, some birthday pictures.....

Skylar and Alexis (The Red Queen and White Rabbit)

Searching for a Dormouse

The Mad Tea Party

A rare photo of Skylar's father

Sisterhood

I do not like that you cannot write a post on blogger and keep it private like you can in livejournal.....but that isn't what I am here to write about.

I had the greatest weekend that I can remember having in a VERY long time. My best friend, Angie, came down from Cleveland, OH with her two little girls, Jewell (12) and Alexis (8). I had so much fun. Sometimes, it takes looking at yourself inside another person to truly see yourself. Thats how Angie and I are. We are extremely similar in all the BIG ways of life, and how we choose to live our lives. We raise our children similarly. We know that all we have is ourselves to keep our heads above water. We know how to let go from time to time, and just do whatever it is that our heart tells us to do. We know the things that make us happy, and we are not willing to compromise those things for anything or anyone in the world, except our children. I see us both as strong willed, minded women who may die alone someday, but they will never have to say I settled. Even our conscience is similar, because we spend some time questioning and weighing the pros and cons of settling for the sake of our children while trying to find our happiness. 


We both have had that one true love that no one else in the world will ever compare to. However, we have both also been "that girl" that hurt someone who truly loved us because we were searching for "that one". Our lives stay interesting to say the least. We have commonality. We are both as scared as love as we are as anxious to find our happily ever after. We are the type of people that "I love you" scares us. We've simply left people behind, just as they have left us behind, and most of the time....we dont look back either.


We think differently than most people. There arent many people in this world who are like us. Its hard to find someone you can relate to in this life, and someone who knows what you are thinking, what it feels like, or what the fuck to do in the situation we are in to always come out on top. Its more of a sisterhood. A sisterhood of being moms, different, free, chaotic, strong, sarcastic female with a backbone. 


She pulled out of the driveway this morning...and I miss her already.


Tasha hates having company. She hates being around a bunch of kids. Sometimes, I wonder how the two of us can be so different, and still love each other. Shes just happy not to have anymore kids in the house. Shes ready for a little peace and quiet, while I miss the loudness already. This bothers me...but, hey, thats who she is, and I respect that. I just never want to be that person.


This weekend was just great fun. We had Skylar's birthday party, which was a success and a LOT of fun. She had a few kids spend the night. We had kids everywhere all weekend, so I can understand Tasha wanting a little peace. I have to admit, maybe I do too....for a day. I like the calm storm I live in. I like that no one is here as I sit down to write otherwise, Id be interrupted every five minutes. I like being alone. Its comfortable. Still, I miss Angie, my mirror. 

My best friend.....standing against my mural of Brandon Lee from "The Crow"

V.C. Andrews

In sixth grade, I read a book behind my mother's back. It was 'The Prince of  Tides" by Pat Conroy and has  been my favorite book since I finished it. I read it everyday after school. My mother had rented it from the library, and as soon as I came home from school, I picked it up and read until I heard her car, then I slammed it back down on the stove, and pretended to be innocent. I remember the details of this book as if it were yesterday because it REALLY affected me in a way that no other book, except maybe "South Of Broad" also by Pat Conroy, ever has. I felt like this book was reading my life. I still feel that. It is also the only book that I can or have read more than once. I keep copies of this book to pass out among people I met who have never read such a gem. I confessed a few years ago to my mother as we were waiting in line to meet Pat Conroy for the first time. Whenever I need a quick pick me up or I just want to view the language that Conroy uses that i find to be melodic and lyrical, I simply read a few pages of 'The Prince of Tides". It will forever be in my heart.

There are very few books that I have read in life that have had such a profound effect on me, or rather there have been many and it isnt until years later that I realize it. Today, has been one of those days. I have read five books today. Yes, today I read 5 books. You read that correctly. They were all smaller books. Im really not THAT good. Still, as I was sitting in the bathtub with my book, I remembered the first book I ever read by this author. V.C. Andrews

"Flowers in the Attic". Need I say more? I was reading at age 4, and I know I read it before 'The Prince of Tides" so I was somewhere between the ages of 4 and 11 when I fell in love with 'Flowers in the Attic". I found it at the library. I remember being so throughly shocked that a mother could do something so horribly to her children such as lock them in an attic and feed them poison. Still, since I didn't have an attic.....I wanted to live in one....at least for a little while. I have had a fascination with attics since I read that book. (I have an unhealthy obsession with books. I love them too much to put them down, and I like to pretend to live inside them while I read them)

I always identified myself with Carrie in "Flowers in the Attic". Most likely, it was because she was the character closest to my age as I look back. I've always considered V.C. Andrews to be the first horror writer I have ever read. She made me see the world differently as a child. She allowed me to see the evil in the world when I was a sheltered, protected child. I ended up reading every book in that series, and have been looking for that series for a few months now.

I read so quickly that I HATE buying books. It feels like a waste of money to me. Still, the library is no good because I forget to take them back on time. I either read them right away, then set them off to the side to collect dust, or I let them sit a while until I am in the mood to read it. Buying a book seems like a waste of money because I pay 7-30 bucks for a hour, maybe 2 hour, read. So, I have adopted yard sales and Goodwill as my major book buying source, and when I am finished I take them to a used book store for credit towards another book.

So, while looking for the series including "Flowers in the Attic", I found the entire V.C. Andrews collection EXCEPT the ones I was looking for. Regardless, I couldnt resist, and I bought them all. So, today I have read: 'Into the Garden', 'Butterfly', 'Crystal', 'Brooke', 'Raven' and Im starting 'Runaways'. Each tale tells of girls that led miserable lives. 'Into the Garden' even had a scene where a group of friends actually buried one of the girls' mother so that she wouldnt have to enter the "system".

I remember thinking as a child that I wanted to one day write as honestly as V.C. Andrews. It is one of the only times I can remember ever thinking about wanting to write instead of be a musician. I still love the honesty in her writing. Its sad that she has died. How does it work that your family tells the story of the characters you have made after death anyway? I find that odd.......

Still, she explains the complexities of being a troubled teenage girl quite well. I love that. Once, I was a troubled teenage girl. I think I would have remembered everything.....if things hadn't happened the way they did so that I had to make myself forget in order to survive. But, I forgot. When I read V.C. Andrews, I am reminded of that troubled teenager that I once was, and sometimes.....I miss how innocent she was even though she didn't think of herself as being innocence. Then, I wonder if I will one day forget my 30's too, and I become afraid that I might.

Still, there are triggers to my childhood, and V.C. Andrews just happens to be one of those. I have even thought that maybe I am a little foolish for reading something that I would have read as a child. Then, I remembered how much I loved Judy Blume and promised myself to find one of her books to reread.

Regardless, I am having a grand time reading V.C. Andrews. In due time, I will have read the entire collection just because I can.


What book have you read that affected you the most? Why? What book do you, as a human being, relate to the most?

4 days in 11 days.

My best friend will arrive in 11 days. She is coming from Cleveland, Ohio to pick up all of Skylar's old clothes. Overnight, Skylar outgrew all her clothes. She went from a size 12 to a size 1 in Juniors. It kills me inside a little bit that I can no longer go into the children's section to buy clothing. I can no longer know a specific size and just pick up cute clothes. She has to try everything on now. 


Regardless, it is getting me a visit from my best friend. I was going to mail them up, but there is simply too many clothes for that, and we haven't seen each other in three years. Angie is bringing her 2 little girls down too. Skylar will have such a good time having someone to play with. She is also bringing her new puppy, Daisy. 


I am so excited. Angie LOVES waterfalls, so when she comes down....Im going to take her on a waterfall tour and show her all of our waterfalls. It will give Skylar and Jewell (her oldest who is Sky's age) some time together to collect rocks, bugs, and whatever else they find. Her youngest Alexis...is more of a prissy girl so I think she may be bored....but we will see.


Im so excited. Usually, we leave the kids home when we get together so that when we are together, we can do whatever we want without taking the kids into consideration, meaning....we like to hit the bars. This time will be different. Im really looking forward to it. Our kids love each other as much as we love each other. All three of them are counting the days down, just like we are. Its surreal to see our kids so excited. We honestly didnt think about how much the three of them love each other. 


We were greedy with our time together. We get together, and drop off the kids with either her mom when I go up or my mom when she comes down. Granted, Saturday night, all three girls are staying with my mom so we can have a "grown-up" night out. However, the majority of the time will be the two of us with the three girls.


It is going to be such a fun time, and Im so excited to see my best friend. These times are precious. It stinks having a best friend 500 miles away and only having the comfort of the phone in our hands when we talk. Now, we are getting 4 days of face to face time. Eleven days seems forever away.

NIN

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE. I SHOT THIS. FRONT ROW.

A Letter To My Ex's

I saw this somewhere a long time ago, and I wanted to do it, but never have. For some reason, it just ppopped into my mind again after reading a letter I wrote to one of the two people I have loved with all my heart.

To Steven- Thank you for being my very first boyfriend, and for walking me home from school, and carrying my books for me. Thank you for introducing me to my first "bad" word which were your initials; ASS. I thought of your name when I named my own daughter.

To Mark- I remember you well; my first kiss. I was wearing white short overalls and we were sitting on a swingset. I was still young enough to think that we were truly in love. Regardless, thanks for the kiss. Im sorry I wasn't ready for more.

To Josh R.- You were an amazing guy. You still are from what I can see on Facebook. Our lives took separate directions, but we ended up living them. I dont know why we didnt work out. I guess we were just too young. I loved spending time with you. It is probably childish, but I still have the song "Patience" by Guns N Roses that you wrote for me on a sheet of paper. You are to this day the only person who has ever physically written a song on paper and handed it to me. You knew......that to get to my soul....was through music. It worked. I still cherish those words on that old piece of paper, and Im glad that we are friends.

To Josh L- There were a lot of drugs involved. I dont remember a lot. I remember us getting pulled over with all that pot in the car, and I remember your quick thinking on getting us out of it. I also remember our discovery of sex. Did we have a relationship or just a hookup a thousand times a day? Seriously, those were some good, fun times. I wish I knew where you were today.

To Joe- I was always convinced that you were totally out of my league. I found you to be one of the most attractive people I have ever met in my life, and when I dont hate you, I still think that. Thanks for getting me out of SC for a few years. I learned a lot in Cleveland. Thank you for teaching me that marriage is only for the wretched. Thank you for teaching me that there is NO ONE on this earth you can trust apart from yourself and children.I trusted you. I really did. I loved you so completely. Then, you betrayed me in the biggest way a person can. Still, thank you for my daughter. She is the only good thing about you. Good riddance asshole. I hope you have a miserable life with my ex best friend who lives in a castle on a cloud with her dirty morals and values. I can't fucking wait to get those divorce papers and name changes in my hands. I still have one more thing to ask of you. Stand up and be a father. You aren't hurting me. You are hurting her, and one day she will hate you for the way you treat her by not seeing her. When that day comes, and you question me as to why she hates you.....mark my words....I will simply laugh in your pretty face and walk the fuck away. You are the biggest asshole I've ever met, and I'm SICKENED that I ever trusted you at all.

Angie- I guess I cant put you here because technically I called you my girlfriend. Technically, you were my first girlfriend. Still, we make better friends. We even did back then too, just both of us were curious. I have loved every minute of having you in my life. I am so glad that you are more than a girlfriend to me....you are my best friend forever and always. Thank you for picking up my head when it falls to cry, for wanting to stab a bitch when she hurts me, for devising a plan to get back at the best friend who betrayed me. I cant thank you enough. So, just thank you. Thank you for loving me, accepting me, and more than anything knowing exactly who I am, how I think, how I feel, and being able to hold any secret I tell you. You are the greatest best friend a girl could ask for. In 2 weeks and 5 days, you will be here to visit...and Im as giddy as a schoolgirl. I just wish we didnt live 500 miles away from each other. AND, I wish our kids could grow up together. I love you. No friend will EVER be able to replace you. Theres so much history, some good, some bad with both of us....and we have held each other through it all. I will continue to do just that....as I know you will also.I gained so much more than a little dating relationship, and Im so grateful for that.

DJ-Since I dont really COUNT Angie as a girlfriend, you were my first REAL girlfriend....Hows that? I hope everyone understands that other than just me. You taught me everything I needed to know about sex with a woman. Thank you. I enjoyed spending all those all nighters with you. Im pretty sure that I have no sexual hangups or limits because of you. Thanks. Still, Im sorry I couldnt take all the fighting between us. The sex was great, but if we werent having sex we were fighting, and that isnt a relationship. Still, I enjoyed the good times. Im still glad I met you.

Tasha- You are the only person to ever break up with me, and you did it on Christmas Eve of all days. Then, you wanted to remain friends. Well, we did. Besides, our first date was a strip club....that should have told me something, but there was something about you that i wanted badly...and it definitely wasnt the uniform. In April, we got back together, and remained together for four years until you wanted me to leave again. Then, you had an affair. I had an affair. I guess a breakup was inevitable. Im really sorry about that affair, but I swear i learned soooo much from it. I think you did too.

Mindy- I found a letter I wrote to you today in my things. I wont type it out but Ill make it quick and simple. I loved you. I truly loved you. I would have married you. I would have been so good to you. Over the years, we have constantly said that if we were ever out of our respective relationships, we would be together. I believed that you loved me as much as I loved you. You hung the moon for me. I was your sunshine. I believed all your promises....or lies. We finally had that chance...and it isnt me you are with. I learned a lesson through it all. I finally figured out 'The Reason". Even though I feel fucked over and lied to by you, I cant not say that I dont love you. I do. I still love you with all my heart. Afterall, "Real Love Is Forever". Still, any chance of us ever being together after all this is gone. There is nothing you can do to ever allow those same feelings to resurface. I hope you find a love that will be as great to you as I would have been, and a bootie call when you need it. In the future, don't lead on the people who really did love you unconditionally.

Tasha- We got back together again. It lasted a while before you decided that a 18 year old girl would be a better mate for you than someone your own age. It took me a long time to get over it. I never stopped loving you, but I started hating you too. I hated that you would choose someone so much younger over me who you have had so much together with. Yet, you did. So, you ended our relationship again. I healed. I was lucky enough to find an awesome girl that I would have never thought existed.

Julia- Im sorry I broke up with you to go back to Tasha, but my favorite author wrote a book that has given me so much knowledge and insight into love. I talked to my mother about what to do, and she simple told me her favorite part of that book, "A Southern man always goes home to his family". So, I went back to Tasha, and we are still okay. Still, you rocked my world. I was planning on asking you to marry me right before I broke up with you. I really did love you. Im glad we continued our friendship, and I hope that you live a happy, full life....and Im sure you will. Youre one hell of a catch if I say so myself.

Tasha- I left one of the most amazing relationships I have had in order to come back to you because you cried and begged me to leave her in Wal-mart of all places. Of course, you did this as I was finally really getting over you, and then all the love just swam right back in my heart, and I did it. I came back to you. Im still here years later. We now own our 2nd house. We are attempting a 2nd child. I hope that we are two old women in our rocking chairs on the front porch sipping sweet tea on a hot summer night. I dont think I need to even say I love you. I think you know it. Weve been through hell and back, and its been rough, but I wouldnt change a thing. I look forward to forever with you. Still, my promise holds true...should we break up....You will NEVER get another chance, but I will forever and always love you!

To the hookups that I didnt really date- Thanks for the fun.

Writing Prompt 3-6-10 The Missing Gun

Writing Prompt: A woman buys a gun for home defense, but two days later she can't find it.


Leah went to the gun store and spent about an hour talking to the employee, and trying to figure out which gun was right for her. She held them all in her hands. Finally, after much thought, she decided to buy a Glock 9 mm because she liked the shiny black color as well as the way it felt inside her hand. it seemed to fit perfectly inside her hand. There had been a rapist on the loose in her area, and this had scared her enough to purchase a gun.


Leah took the gun home right away trying to find a place to keep it where it would be safe, but where she could get to it quickly if the case arrived arrived. She wanted the perfect spot so that no one but her would know where the gun rested. She put one bullet in the gun because she was told it would be best to keep it loaded because in a true emergency there wasn't time to load the gun before firing. Leah decided that the best place that would be easily accessible as well as hidden would be her bedside table because no one ever looked there or went in there because it was hers and hers completely. Not even her husband would ever open the bedside table.


Leah checked her bedside table every night to make sure the gun was still there. It always was right where she left it. About two weeks later, before climbing into bed, she checked her beside table and found that the gun was missing. She went straight to her husband ready to confess that she bought the gun knowing that he was a strong advocate of gun control. He told her that he was disappointed in her for buying a gun, but no he had not found it, but if he had, he would have taken it. He told her that when she found it, he wanted it removed from their home immediately. He also suggested something Leah never would have even thought of. He suggested that they ask their 12 year old son, Jeremy.


Leah headed to Jeremy's room hoping that he knew nothing about the gun. She knocked on his door, and heard the normal scramble of a pre-teen right before the door opened. Leah asked Jeremy to sit on his bed so they could talk.


Leah calmly asked, "Jeremy have you seen a gun around this house at all?"


Jeremy quivered, but quickly replied, "No, Mama. Why?"


"I was just wondering. Jeremy you do know that we do not agree with having guns in the house, right?" Leah asked her son.


"Yes mama. I know". he replied


Leah was perplexed. She had no idea where the gun had disappeared too. She checked the house, even cleaned it throughly looking through every nook and cranny trying to find the misplaced gun, but to no avail. Leah finally decided to call the police, and report that the gun was missing. The police took a report over the telephone, and told her that a report has been written, and they will be looking for the gun. Luckily, she was smart enough to still have the box and receipt, so she had the serial number the police had asked for.


Knowing that this was all Leah could do at the moment, she restlessly laid down to go to sleep. She didn't get any sleep that night because she was so worried about the gun being lost and missing. She just couldn't figure out where the gun would have disappeared too. She checked everything so throughly.


The next day she tried to forget about it, telling herself that the police would find the gun. Besides, Jeremy's friend Devin was coming over for a playdate. Jeremy and Devin ran off to Jeremy's room to play. Leah was downstairs making them some fresh chocolate chip cookies.


When the boys were safelt tucked away in Jeremy's room, Devin said, "I brought the gun back. My mom never found it. I kept it safe for you. It is so pretty. I have wanted to play with it so bad, but I didn't because I wanted to wait for you before to see what you thought".


Jeremy replied quickly, "Pull it out of your backpack. Let's see it."


Devin quickly pulled the gun out of the bag and playfully aimed the gun at Jeremy. Devin handed Jeremy the gun, and he followed suit, and aimed the gun at Devin making a "bam" sound as if he had pulled the trigger. Then, handed the gun back to Devin.


Devin asked, "Is the gun loaded?"


Jeremy replied, "Of course not. My mother and father are against guns. They surely wouldn't have a loaded gun in our house".


Devin said, "Awesome", aimed the gun at Devin, and shot. It was loaded. The bullet went through his heart. Lean ran upstairs after hearing the shot leaving the oven door open, and found her son on the floor not breathing with blood everywhere. Leah started screaming. her husband was at work. She ran to the phone. She called 911. She called her husband. She just stood there over her only son's body regretting ever buying that gun, knowing that her husband was right or wishing that she had taught Jeremy more about gun safety. She knew he was dead, and she also knew it was her fault.


After emergency services arrived, and Devin had gone home completely devastated and scared, she went to her bedroom alone without the gun since it was taken as evidence even though the coroner would list the death as accidental gunshot. Leah was so depressed and upset over loosing her son that she knew she could never continue in this life. She went to her medicine cabinet and took every pill there was. She then laid down, went to sleep hoping she would be back with Jeremy in heaven, and never woke again.

Writing Prompt 3-5-10 The Long Airplane Flight

Prompt: A flight attendant learns that one of the passengers has brought a weapon on board.


"Sir, I'm sorry, but you can't sit here at the front of the plane because their are assigned seats, and your seat is on row 12, seat 3. At least you have a window seat", the flight informed the passenger.


The passenger responded, "I will pay any amount of money to keep this seat. My bags are already in the overhead, and I talked to the lady who had this particular seat, and she agreed that it would be fine to switch our seats since I had a window and she didn't".


"Well, I guess that is fine as long as the person who has this seat has agreed. You can stay here, sir. Sorry for the disruption", the flight attendant told the passenger.


Everyone buckled up, and the plane ascended into the beautiful, perfect blue sky soaring like a bird with the greatest amount of freedom one can acquire. The flight was leaving New Orleans heading to Ohio. It would be a longer flight so the passengers pulled out their books, laptops, and ipods, and began to make themselves cozy.


About an hour and a half into the flight, the passenger who had the seat troubles in the beginning started to make his way to the cockpit. The flight attendant saw this, approached the man, and informed him that he couldn't enter the cockpit. He pulled a Glock from his side and shot her, causing havoc to ensue among all the passengers on the plane. Several passengers were wondering what to do in order to secure their flight so that no one else died. Everyone wanted to live, and were willing to go to any extent in order to make this happen.


Still, the man made his way into the cockpit after shooting the flight attendant, and held a glock toward the pilots. Luckily, a law was just passed that pilots couldn't carry guns on the plane, but they could carry tasers. With the gun aimed at the pilots head, the pilot moved ever so slow so that the man thought he was shifty because he was nervous, but that wasn't the case. It was simply what the man wanted the pilot to believe.


The pilot managed to pull out his taser without the man knowing what was happening, and once the man realized it was two late. Bolts of electricity coursed through his body. The man lay on the ground pulsating with electrical shock.


Another passenger saw the whole thing, ran up to the man, took his gun from his hand, and shot him in the head.


The plane and crew were at last safe.

Writing Prompt 3-4-10 The Secret Scar

Prompt: "Well, if you could accuse anybody of being downright evil, it would be him"

Evil comes in many shapes and tons of different forms. Each human has their very own definition of evil. For example, a person who is a "every time the doors are open" churchgoer could be considered evil due simply to the hypocrisy that most of us find inside the church doors. Others may consider a person evil if they should kill the person who betrayed them in one fucked up domestic violence situation. Still, others may find evil to lay inside themselves, and therefore consider themselves evil. The world is full of good, as well as, it is full of evil. Evil is simply an emotion that all humans must embrace within themselves.


With all of us, there are crimes that are so horrible they make our stomachs turn, yell, and weep in disgust. These evil emotions shape us to be non-trusting, non-forgiving, and also to loose faith in the good that can be found in the world. Once an evil emotion hurts a human that intensely, usually they never recover. This is what happened to Scarlett. She stopped trusting. She never forget the evil she experienced, and she never got any revenge for it. It has just stuck with her in the pit of her belly with no way to ever escape or make herself "whole" again. 


Scarlett has seen many psychiatrists in order to deal with this evil, yet nothing they do, say, or prescribe her to take have even started to tear into the hurt even in the smallest way. Scarlett has come to the realization that she will just be forever tormented by the evil that she experienced as a child, and the guilt that resides inside her due to the evil she experienced.


Scarlett was six when the evil started. Scarlett lived in front of an elderly couple, and she always had a soft spot for elderly couples, and loved to go help them by doing the dishes, walking their poodles, or just watching the evening news with them. It was the favorite thing about Scarlett's childhood.


She would visit the elderly couple that lived behind her everyday. The wife, May, cooked with Scarlett, made her Christmas ornaments, had her a birthday party even though her mother also gave her one. May gave her presents all the time, and Scarlett was the grandchild she had never had the pleasure to have.Scarlett loved being with May. Scarlett looked up to May as a role model in her life. 


May's husband, Mr. Kermit, also loved Scarlett, but in a different way. Mr. Kermit found child attractive and beautiful. Scarlett would sit in Mr. Kermit's lap and look at old encyclopedias about Indians. The Indians were naked. It was the first time she ever saw naked men, and she was curious. she loved sitting in his lap and looking at those books. Mr. Kermit explained to Scarlett that all men looked like that naked. She was shocked. She was impressed. She wanted to know more. 


Mr. Kermit asked Scarlett if she wanted to see him naked, and being the adventurous girl she was, she happily obliged. Mr. Kermit took her to his bedroom while May was out shopping, and showed Scarlett his nakedness. Then, he asked Scarlett if she wanted to touch it. She did. She wanted to know what it felt like. Then, he went further, and asked her if she wanted to put her mouth on it. She did. Afterall, we all want to know what things taste like. Scarlett liked it. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing. She liked the way Mr. Kermit felt. 

Then, Mr. kermit asked Scarlett if she wanted to show him below her panties so that she could feel the way his nakedness against her nakedness. She did. She removed her panties, and felt him against him even though he couldn't enter her. He then asked if she wanted to feel him taste her. She did. She thought it all felt so wonderful and delightful. 


May came home shortly afterwards, and they quickly got dressed. Mr. kermit told her, "If you tell your Momma about this, she won't let you come back over here". She never told her Momma because she liked the way it felt and wanted it to continue. She would visit The Kermit's everyday, especially on the days that May wasn't home. 


This routine continued for years until Mr. Kermit did the same thing to another little girl from his church. That girl's parents went and talked to Scarlett's parents. Scarlett knew that she would never get to see Mr. Kermit again, and at that same time she realized that what was happening was wrong and evil. Out of nowhere, Scarlett went from feeling joy to guilt that she did something that was very incredibly wrong. 


Scarlett's mother put her in therapy, but Scarlett wouldn't talk. The whole issue became a family matter that was never discussed again. To this day, Scarlett has never seen Mr. Kermit or May again. Scarlett doesn't know if he is alive or dead, or even if he went to jail. Still, Scarlett doesnt want to know either. 


Simply put, as her name implies, Scarlett, just means that there are many scars underneath that have no need to ever be discussed. Scarlett is an adult now, but looking back if she could ever accuse anyone of being downright evil, it would be Mr. Kermit who took advantage of a child, and made her like it.

The Red Queen

Time is counting down quickly. 3-5-10. Skylar and I have been waiting for this day for over a year now. We are so very excited to FINALLY be able to see Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. I honestly feel that ONLY Tim Burton can give such a classic, favorite book of mine since childhood, favorite book of Skylar because of me, the glory, ambiance, and twisted visions that it deserves. I have HIGH expectations for this movie, as well as my daughter. I am sure that it will be my favorite movie released this year. There is just something about Alice in Wonderland that makes me want to live in that fantasy if only for a moment while becoming a character portrayed in the book. Every time I read it, I choose a different character to be, and Skylar must really be my child, because she does the same thing. Still, I think my favorite character is the Cheshire Cat.


Skylar's birthday is in May, but she always plans early as I am a parent who goes all out for her birthdays, and her birthdays are similar to Christmas. I always give her two birthdays. One in May, and one in June, always a swimming party. This year, Skylar has decided that her theme would be Alice In Wonderland. We decided that we would all dress as a character from the book/movie, and request the guests do the same if they feel so inclined. So, it is the end of February, and I am already planning the perfect birthday. 


Originally, Sky wanted to dress up as Alice. We decided to get little Dixie cups with "Drink me" for everyone to have their beverages in, and tiny little cakes (maybe cupcakes if I cant get anything smaller) that read, "Eat me". We are going to have little bitty tables set up for everyone to eat on. I also want to have a mock "trial", as well as the dance of animals found in the book. Still, I am waiting on the movie for even more ideas. Of course my favorite line will have to be somewhere visably seen by everyone, "Why is a raven like a writing desk". So far, these are the plans for the party, but everything is subject to change as new ideas roll along. 


The first new idea was that Skylar decided that instead of being Alice, since she isnt a big daydreamer or reader.....she should be the red queen. So, we went to the mall and came up with a red queen outfit. Actually, we just came across it as I noticed Sky outgrew ALL her clothes and didn't even have a pair of jeans to fit. So, off to the mall we went to buy clothes. She got her first two pairs of Abercrombie jeans, size 2....I bought them a little big. She really wears a 0. After shopping more, we just FOUND the red queen outfit, and bought it since there was only one shirt and skirt left. We also got her ears pierced on out little trip. My baby girl is getting to be a big girl. Im thrilled, but I miss my baby so much. 


Now, Introducing THE RED QUEEN

Confirmed: Strep Throat

It has been a hellish weekend. I havent really slept at all. I have just been too worried about Sky to sleep. We went to the doctor this morning, and it was confirmed that she has strep throat. At first, I thought it was the same cold that Tasha and I had, but I was wrong. 


Saturday was the scariest day. Saturday, She was running a fever of 102.7, and I could NOT get the fever down at all. I was giving her luke warm baths, alternating Motrin and Tylenol as instructed by the doctor, and basically anything I could think of. Nothing worked. Her fever remained super high. Her fever was so high that she was throwing up. I seriously thought about taking her to the emergency room on several occasions, but I toughed it through, and we saw the doctor this morning. 


Sunday, her fever practically disappeared, but she still complained of a sore throat, so off to the doctor we went. The strep culture came back positive almost immediately. 


I talked to the doctor about how to get her fever down for future reference and learned that I wasnt able to get it down because she now requires an adult dose of Motrin. Children's Motrin is a thing of the past now. My little girl is growing up so fast. I feel bad that she ran such a high fever simply because I wasnt giving her enough medicine, but I was following the instructions on the bottle. I keep thinking that if I had gotten enough medicine in her she may not have been in such pain, and I feel like a horrible mother. At least, now I know. 


After the doctor, we stopped to get her medicine from the pharmacy. Per tradition in our house, Sky always gets a sick toy. She picked up a webkin and a wii points card. We got the old Nintendo games like Zelda, Super Mario Brothers, and Adventure Island. She has been playing those thankful that we have better graphics today, and realizing how old her Momma is. lol


I think she is feeling better after that dose of medicine. Still, she has to stay home from school tomorrow also, but Wednesday she should feel all better again. I hate it when my baby is sick.


Still, even though I hate it when she is sick, and I feel so helpless. I love the mommy/daughter moments of being able to bathe her and wash her hair, and lay with her in my arms watching movies. When she is sick, all she wants is mommy time, and I love being able to give her that. 

Sick and Horror

SICK. That is the essence of this household for the last week. I had a bad cold, and now Skylar is sick. She  started running a fever last night that was high enough for me to stay up all night worrying, and feeding her Motrin. She complained that her throat was hurting really bad, and was completely sure she had strep throat. I knew I felt the same way so Im sitting with her until it passes. I went to McDonald's and got her lunch. Now, we are sitting in front of the TV watching Jaws together. Before Jaws, we watched Jurrasic Park. Sky loved Jurrassic Park since the main character was a paleontologist, which is what she wants to be when she grows up (or archeologist).

I remember getting so mad at her father for holding her when she was an infant while watching Puppet Master., Hellraiser, etc. I was planning on being protective of my first and only child. I was going to shield her from the TV and all its flawed humanity. Then, I remembered that as a kid I was shielded, and I bucked against the system, so maybe shielding wasn't the proper way to raise a child. Maybe I should try something different.

I did. I stopped bitching about the horror movies, and I let her watch them. She is a fan and literally has been since birth. Ill never forget her 5th Christmas when she told me, "Momma, I dont care what Santa brings me for Christmas, but I REALLLLLY want that Chucky doll". That Chucky doll is still standing in her room 5 years later. Its one of the only toys that has made its stay in her room as she has gotten older. She even dressed up as Chucky for Halloween, and I did a GREAT job if I say so myself. 

Chucky or Child's Play  has always been her favorite movie. She also loves Coraline, Nightmare Before Christmas, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Freddy or Nightmare on Elm Street. I let her watch Halloween II with me a couple a of night ago. 

Sometimes she gets scared. "The Strangers" scared the beejesus out of her. She got over it quickly though when I would knock on the wall and torture her while asking, "Is Tamara home?" I had too. The kid wouldn't answer the front door after watching that movie. Now, it has become one of her favorites, and when you ask, "Is Tamara Home?" She gets stares at you sarcastically because she KNOWS its fake. 

As any good parent would, I worried that my child wouldn't feel empathy toward other humans if I let her watch horror. I was raising her differently than anyone I had ever met. I was giving her freedom in a world where most parents shield their children. I, more or less, let her make her own rules as long as those rules were acceptable in my eyes also. We created the rules together. 

I have done a lot of things differently in my parenting, but I wouldn't change a single detail of anything I've done. I have a kid who is popular in school, wanted by everyone, great grades, an artist, a budding musician, loves horror, loves rock music, but is still human enough to feel great empathy and sadness when needed, and tries to help everybody she meets. She has heard curse words her whole life, but has never used one. Well, except in kindergarten when she told the teacher she thought her whole name was M. Skylar Princess Punkass Angelbaby.

Still, when I look back...I dont think it was my parenting as much as I just got lucky. I got real lucky. 

My child is brighter than all the stars that litter the sky.

I'll be the greatest fan in her life. 

Night Shift

Today I am feeling better. However, Skylar is sick. She is currently laying in her loft bed watching Disney channel. Tasha brought this cold home. She was sick first, and now all of us have had it. I have a love/hate relationship with Tasha working night shift. She loves night shift. I love it because she is happier, but I hate it because for six weeks it feels like I don't get to go to sleep beside my wife. 

Its nice because I get to do things like bring my wife breakfast in bed, which I did tonight. I can get all our errands and phone calls out of the way. I can do the house cleaned. I have personal time to sit and write. I like these things. I don't even mind the nights she works because I get to watch whatever movie I want those night without her interjecting. 

but.....

I am one of those people who absolutely hates sleeping alone. Honestly, there have been very few nights in my life where I have slept alone throughout the night. I cant go to sleep alone. Maybe this is because I slept with my mom as a kid. Maybe its because they rocked me to sleep. I don't know. I just hate it. Tasha knows this, and she tries to appease me by sitting in the armchair in the bedroom watching TV as I sleep or watching TV in the living room as I sleep on the couch, then waking me when she goes to bed so I can follow. That is true love right there! 

Still, when she is on night shift, I get insomnia worse than usual. I start staying up later and later because the middle of night is the only time I get to see her. 2pm has become 8am in my world. I have started going to bed when I normally wake up. I have no idea how much longer I have until day shift, but I know it is sometime next month. I am eagerly awaiting sleep. Good sleep. 

A sniffle here, A sniffle there

Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat that rivaled the pain of strep, but I knew it wasn't strep since I take an antibiotic everyday. Still, all day yesterday I laid around in sheer pain with a sore throat, a head that just felt weird and light, and a nose that couldn't do anything except sniffle. When I talk on the phone, people are asking why I am crying because my poor nose has to sniffle every few seconds. I didn't eat yesterday until supper time, which is right before time for American Idol. So, I hopped in the car for comfort food.

Its funny how some childhood things never disappear. McDonald's is one of those for me. Every time I am sick, I must have McDonald's french fries. My mother used to always get me fries when I was sick, and now....I honestly believe its the only thing I can eat when I am sick. Chicken soup is overrated. So, I left to get some fries and stopped at Target on the way to get some cold medicine. 

Skylar and I grabbed cold medicine, a pretty green sundress, a pretty yellow sundress, pajamas, and markers from Target. Skylar was wearing her "Nightmare Before Christmas" hoodie, which is her favorite and getting too small. As we were checking out, the cashier told Skylar that he loved her hoodie, and began asking if she had seen "Sweeny Todd" and/or is excited for "Alice In Wonderland". They began contemplating whether Alice would be better than Nightmare. She proudly told him that her birthday theme this year would be Alice In Wonderland and she was going to the midnight show, if they had one, dressed as Alice while I dressed as The Mad Hatter. 

We left and got to the car, and Skylar said "Mom, that guy was soooo cool. Most of the cashiers just say "I'm sooo ready to leave...blah, blah, blah". And, she's right. Then, off to McDonald's we went.

Skylar, my ten year old, refused McDonald's because we decided to celebrate Lent this year, even though we aren't Catholic, and all she wanted was ice cream which is what she gave up for Lent. I gave up coffee.

Afterwards, we came home and caught the last bit of American Idol. Crystal is my favorite so far, but I LOVED seeing the guy do the acoustic "Straight Up". That was truly an amazing performance.

Fearless Love?

Melissa Etheridge released a new song recently called 'Fearless Love'. I have to admit. It is really, really good. I think as human we all have a different interpretation of the words "fearless love". What is a fearless love? How do we find a fearless love? When a new song is written, sometimes it seeps like my bloodstream like a bad virus taking over my entire body, telling me when to breathe, when to eat, and when to sleep. Sometimes, the song becomes me until I figure out WHY it is connecting with me. This song connected to me in a big way. It made me think. I havent stopped thinking about it, so I figured Id blog about it.

To me, the song is speaking of what Melissa's idea of a fearless love is. Lots of people think the lyrics are stupid, and they should. They arent in Melissa's life and they have no idea what she means by wanting a fearless love. We have to deduce that she wants HER idea of a fearless love. In turn, this song is affecting ME as any good song does, and what Melissa means doesnt make a difference to me because she wrote the song, loved the song, and found in that song what a fearless love is and the knowledge that she wants it. As far as getting into the head of a musician....thats all the public SHOULD get for a well written song. This way it is left up to the readers or listeners to determine WHAT A FEARLESS LOVE IS FOR THEM!

Let think about one of the most classic songs ever written by the Eagles, "Hotel California". Did anyone know the minute they heard it for the first time that the song was about drug use. It could symbolize a psychological state of being, a domestic abuse relationship, being stuck in your mothers home as a kid and waiting to get out, etc. It could be anything in which one feels TRAPPED, because that is what the song is about.

A point to prove using Melissa, "Come To My Window". She wrote that, "people use this songs at their weddings, and she wanted to ask them if they knew that the song was about longing for another person and being away from them". It was never a love song, but people perceived it otherwise. We all get different things from songs. We all interpret songs and music differently.

Thats the GLORY of song writing. Thank God. Would music really be as interesting if we had to know all there was about what another thinks, feels, believes, and wants? No. They would be boring. Good music is any music that will make you ask yourself questions and that allow you to idea with it.

Who loves "Mary Had A Little Lamb"? I mean really. As children, we loved the fantasy....sure...but all children adore fantasy more than adults. How many adults love that song? How many adults think that song relates to them? Has a sheep ever followed you to school? I live in the South, and still havent had THAT experience. I simply dont identify with the song. Therefore, although I once liked it....I find it annoying as an adult. Now, "Im A Little Teapot" is a different story. lol

My idea of fearless love is a love so intense and strong that its a fairytale come true. Fearless love involves communication that can even hurt because its honest. It has trust that not even a mother can take away. Its coming home at the end of the day and hanging out, playing Wii, having a few beers, or watching your favorite TV show or movie. Its every goodnight kiss that brings sweet dreams. Its the two of you being teammates and cheerleaders to each other. Its also catching you when you fall. its holding each other when one of you is brought to tears. Its picking each other off the ground when the ground was too slick, and you stand back up muddy and gross. Fearless love is when you love the other enough to hold their fallen muddy body against you and still be able to whisper the comforting words, "Its gonna be alright". A fearless love is a love that you share with a person that is beyond meaning. Its unconditional. All your flaws are loved as much as your beauty. A fearless love can be found in friendships, parenthood, and romantic partners.

We are all looking for a fearless love, but the majority of us have no idea what our definition of fearless love is. So, what is your idea of fearless love? Have you found it? Or, are you still searching for it?

Time

Time....

A healer

A Destroyer

....Time.

Stitches Fading Away

Stitches Fading Away

A twisted, tormented thought turns

Unraveling and coming apart

Holding me prisoner inside my own body

Scared, shaking, sacred, sadistic skin

Begging for your warmth

To ease the pain, distinguish the fire

Flood my soul with purity

Marking whole this fragile soul

Is it possible to mend my wings

Without breaking them off completely

Is it feasible to believe in promise

That one day this soul will fly free

Is it pre-determined, does fate already know

Where my last days shall be spent

My soul is soaring above the skeletons

Of the loved ones I lost

Suicide is bleeding into my heart

Cancer is corroding my core

Still they scream at me to fly over

And forget the pain

Yet, I can't hear anything but the scars screaming in agony

I walk into the graveyard

Stumbling over the stones

Like a toddler, trying to find my legs

To walk away into a new day

My life haunts me like a song

Played in a morbid, minor key

I'm not able to move right now

Just to fall upon my knees

Begging these skeletal remains

To show me guidance and light

Yet, within the deep darkness

I still get lost each and every night

Love is hard to believe in

When your loved ones have

Been taken or walked away

And I live in this truth every fucking day

Solitude is silence, but mercifully so

Silence is slavery, the all time low

One day I will understand

All the past that haunts me

I'll learn to fly above the fight

And never ever look into the night

My stitches will be removed

My bandages will fade away

Ill break away and soar

Bright as sunshine into a new day