Jealous Guy

Sometimes, it does the soul good to just analyze a song that for some reason will not escape your mind, leave your thoughts, or disappear from your dreams. I have just recently (last year) became a fan of The Beatles, yes I understand how sad and unfortunate this is. Regardless, I have fallen in love. I auditioned for American Idol when I was on vacation in New Orleans, LA. I did it as a dare on the way home from drinking. I could barely walk when I went in and sang for people I didn't know. They asked me to come back. I did. I went through a few auditions...mind you drunk for every one of them as I was at Southern Decadence (Gay Madri Gras). I think the ONLY sober moment was when i went to see Trent Reznor's house in the Garden District. I remember there being mail in his mailbox that I KNEW was the new album, and I really wanted to steal it....but my morals are much better than that, so I left it, and waited patiently for the new album as I should have....which was 'With Teeth". However, Im digressing. I ended up getting the Golden Ticket. I never went. I havent even watched American Idol since the first season, but this season I got a wild hair up my ass, and I decided to watch, and I have watched from the first show.

Until two weeks ago, I wanted Crystal Bowersox to win. I still do, I think, unless she can get a better record deal without winning like Adam Lambert. Still, although Crystal is and remains my favorite contestant.....Casey James caught me in a big way when it was Beatles week. Casey sang a John Lennon song I have never heard before called "Jealous Guy". The emotions in that song brought me to tears, which is somewhat difficult to do. I have been in love with the song since then, and I listen to it daily. Ironically, the lyrics fit into my life one week later exactly. I have a performance coming up...and I am thinking I am going to do this song.

Jealous Guy
John Lennon

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eyes
Thought that you was trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain

I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy, watch out
I'm just a jealous guy, look out babe
I'm just a jealous guy



This song has stolen my heart.

Pictures of Trent Reznor's House in New Orleans, LA. However, he no longer lives here.

RIP Peter Steele

There is so much to say. I have been going through some of the toughest trials and tribulations one can possibly endure. I want to talk about it. i want to write about it, but I can't. It remains my secret, known only to my closest friends. That is all I want to say about this situation right now, but know that life is not easy at the moment. Im confused. Im scared. And, most of all Im insecure, and none of these things are personality traits of who I am as a person. I'm actually the complete opposite of all those, so its tough to be in unfamiliar territory scared to death.

In 1997, I had sex with a woman for the first time. She came to my house, and put on a song that I had never heard before. The song was "Love ya to Death" by Type O Negative. She danced in a complete white outfit in the middle of my living room to that song. I will never forget the imagery that such a single dance can conjure up inside my head whenever I hear that song. When I did have sex with a female for the first time, the album "Bloody Kisses" was Type O Negative was playing the whole time.

My first lap dance ever was given while the song "Christian Woman" by Type O Negative played.

A painting that I cherish that my child's father painted hangs in her bedroom, and every time I look at it, I remember that the albums "October Rust" and "Bloody Kisses" by Type O Negative were the only albums played while it was being painted.

All of these events are special because they occurred when I hopped onto a "Runaway Train" to Cleveland, Ohio trying to escape my sister's suicide. I found Type O Negative while living in Cleveland, and it healed me a little on the inside. Not a day went by when I didn't play their album. I even got to see them at Ozzfest in 1998 (I think). And, I'm so glad that I can say that as now many people will never be able to say that.

Type O Negative's lead singer died today at age 48 from heart issues. To hear that Peter Steele has died has devastated me because I feel like a part of me died too. This band was there for me. This band approved of my sexuality. I got all my experience while listening to them. I like to say I became gay listening to Type O Negative. I wonder if my homosexuality will die along with him. I wonder if it is a sign.

There's a lot more to say....just I can't say it right now. So, Im just going to give my most heartfelt goodbye to Peter Steele, and thank him for all the time we spent together even if it was just through music. RIP.

Yes, I know that I am cryptic.

I have fallen for you, Hugo Miles

Love is not what I am looking for right now. In fact, Im better off without it. Love has hurt me to the deepest parts of my core, and Im terrified to ever feel that pain again. I'm not a girl that the words "I love you" come easy for me to say, and it takes years before they escape my lips. Still, something happened, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still trying to find the moment that I realized I was or had fallen for you.

Love is the scariest word in the English language to me. Yet, here you are, and I find myself falling for you in a hard, longing way. I cant wait to see you. I smile when I talk to you. Your kisses on my lips feel light a slight piece of heaven that have rested upon my lips for a few seconds that somehow got lost in time. I look forward to hearing your voice, seeing you smile, making you breakfast, and feeling the way you hold me while hoping that I convey the same feeling when I hold you.

I can actually think of a forever with you, because you allow me to be me, and you aren't in this to take my freedom away, and vice versa. I think there is this unspoken understanding between us that our freedom is a non-negotiable. I like it that way because we need to be who we are. Everyone has to be free and love themselves in order for the heart to love another person.

There are many views on what people think love is, and none of them have fit into my standards until I met you. It still scares me. I'm not used to feeling this way, and I still am not ready to say I love you. But, I need you. I want you. I care about you more than I thought I could or would. I felt safe inside my world. Then you walked in, and my world changed in so many different ways.

I think about you before I sleep, when I wake, and I hope that you are somewhere safe. Before I sleep, I wish that you were holding me. When I wake, I roll over to see that you aren't there, and may never be there. Reality strikes and I realize that I could actually get hurt. I am vulnerable, fragile because of the past I have endured and lived to tell the tale about.

I've learned not to trust people because in the end it was better to have not danced than to danced and felt the love that was lost somewhere in between. Yet, I'm still foolish enough to believe in forever, and wish for someone who is like me enough to not only understand what I am saying, but to feel the same way, and not try to take away my freedom.

Still, out of the blue, I realized I have fallen for you, but love is not something I was looking for right now.  In fact, I was happy without it. Now, Im not so sure. Now, Im twisted inside my mind. Im confused to the point of how I feel. Im nervous that I may love you, and just be too damn stubborn to realize it. Ultimately, I wonder what you feel, what you think, and if the feeling is mutual.

When you are holding me, I see the look in your eye. I realize that I too look at you the same way. I can feel the strength in the way you hold me, and I hope that you too realize how much you mean to me. I wish that I could write I love you, but I cant. Not yet.

The Fabulous Unbirthday Party

We had Skylar's birthday party on March 27, 2010 this year even though her actual birthday is May 18. We did it early because my best friend was in town, and we figured it would be a great time for the kids. There is NOTHING already prepared for Alice In Wonderland. The only Alice related thing I could find were coloring books, which I gave away to each guests. We had a mad tea party, hid a key, bunny, and cheshire cat to find for prizes, had everyone call each other by their name spelled backwards, grilled hamburgers and hotdogs, had them choose which teacup the dormouse was under, and lots of other great stuff. I wanted to play human chess, but we didn't get around to it. It was the best party ever, in my opinion.

After the party, we had Skylar, Madison, Brie, Jewell, Alexis, and Rane spend the night. They stayed two nights. However, Brie stayed three nights. On the third night, my friends Megan and Kasey, let me babysit their 8 month old for the night. I had so much fun. I have wanted a baby for a long time, and trying since October with no luck, but spending time with Emma just made the urge that much stronger.

Without further ado, some birthday pictures.....

Skylar and Alexis (The Red Queen and White Rabbit)

Searching for a Dormouse

The Mad Tea Party

A rare photo of Skylar's father