I have fallen for you, Hugo Miles

Love is not what I am looking for right now. In fact, Im better off without it. Love has hurt me to the deepest parts of my core, and Im terrified to ever feel that pain again. I'm not a girl that the words "I love you" come easy for me to say, and it takes years before they escape my lips. Still, something happened, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still trying to find the moment that I realized I was or had fallen for you.

Love is the scariest word in the English language to me. Yet, here you are, and I find myself falling for you in a hard, longing way. I cant wait to see you. I smile when I talk to you. Your kisses on my lips feel light a slight piece of heaven that have rested upon my lips for a few seconds that somehow got lost in time. I look forward to hearing your voice, seeing you smile, making you breakfast, and feeling the way you hold me while hoping that I convey the same feeling when I hold you.

I can actually think of a forever with you, because you allow me to be me, and you aren't in this to take my freedom away, and vice versa. I think there is this unspoken understanding between us that our freedom is a non-negotiable. I like it that way because we need to be who we are. Everyone has to be free and love themselves in order for the heart to love another person.

There are many views on what people think love is, and none of them have fit into my standards until I met you. It still scares me. I'm not used to feeling this way, and I still am not ready to say I love you. But, I need you. I want you. I care about you more than I thought I could or would. I felt safe inside my world. Then you walked in, and my world changed in so many different ways.

I think about you before I sleep, when I wake, and I hope that you are somewhere safe. Before I sleep, I wish that you were holding me. When I wake, I roll over to see that you aren't there, and may never be there. Reality strikes and I realize that I could actually get hurt. I am vulnerable, fragile because of the past I have endured and lived to tell the tale about.

I've learned not to trust people because in the end it was better to have not danced than to danced and felt the love that was lost somewhere in between. Yet, I'm still foolish enough to believe in forever, and wish for someone who is like me enough to not only understand what I am saying, but to feel the same way, and not try to take away my freedom.

Still, out of the blue, I realized I have fallen for you, but love is not something I was looking for right now.  In fact, I was happy without it. Now, Im not so sure. Now, Im twisted inside my mind. Im confused to the point of how I feel. Im nervous that I may love you, and just be too damn stubborn to realize it. Ultimately, I wonder what you feel, what you think, and if the feeling is mutual.

When you are holding me, I see the look in your eye. I realize that I too look at you the same way. I can feel the strength in the way you hold me, and I hope that you too realize how much you mean to me. I wish that I could write I love you, but I cant. Not yet.